Friday, June 12, 2009

The ACC in Metaphors: Sitcoms Part 2

After yesterdays inexplicable events surrounding my excessive "sarcasm" and "hurtful comments" I've decided to make a drastic life change: Be more sarcastic, denegrating, demeaning and derrogatory online. As we all know the internet is truly the final frontier for caustic, witty rhetoric and I, like the bulk of bloggers, find myself forced to limit my speech to posts because in person very few are capable of battling witticism for witticism with me without some sort of emotional outburst.

Whatever happened to the Alice Roosevelt Longfellows of the world?

"If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me."

Bear in mind I'm not taking shots at anyone in particular, rather realizing that I can't go through life making crude comments, being condescending and functioning as an overly self aware member of the inteligencia.

With that said we'll get to the newer, more boisterous Part 2 of The ACC in Sitcoms!

"Parks and Rec"-NC State

Little brother of the "The Office" this show has got some great cast members like Amy Pouhlter as well as that Indian guy whose name I won't bother looking up. Its a funny show, a lot of times its pretty freaking good, even better than The Office at times, although never consistently. Well NC State, the outcast, red headed step child of the ACC is just like this show. Great cast (Philip Rivers, Mario Williams, Adrian Wilson, Torry Holt) but they'll never be as good as centerpieces such as Miami, FSU or VT. Sure they may beat them a game or two but never with any regularity. Also the pit on the show might as well represent the refuse pile that NCSU truly is as a University.

"Everybody Loves Raymond"-Virginia

First class all the way, right down to the minimal inuendo, whole family friendly topics and the choosing of Amy over Stefaniá. By the way Stefaniá should be an easy choice, she's a hot Italian babe and Amy is just a homely Anglo. This is a show with longevity, its as classic in syndication as it was first run and its also just as mediocre. Never bad, never great; Raymond was a steady ratings getter. The Wahoos are the picture of mediocrity. A 9-3 season is just as much an anomoly as a 4-8 one. To live in the 6-6 house, is their probably safest bet. Like living across the street from your folks 6-6 is a blessing when you're picked last and a curse when you're picked highly.

"Yes, Dear"-Wake Forest

Small audience, smart audience, quiet audience. Small fanbase, smart fanbase, great fanbase. An underrated show that a lot of people have no idea was ever on is a great representation of the Deacs miniscule program. They're both non-threatening, unassuming but based on a solid foundation. The show lives on the "Odd Couple" principle while the Deacons have fully bought into the redshirt everybody ideal. Both tried and true ways to win. There isn't much left to write here other than the only way the Deacs could have more Guts was if they added Mike O'Malley to their staff. Checkout the leaderboard MO!

"My Name is Earl"-Maryland

A sort of ass backwards show with a strange premise a funny fat guy, a few loyal viewers that popped up and then disappeared into Bolivia (thank you Mike Tyson). The Terps just by name are strange, not to mention their meteoric rise to stardom under Friedgen (the fat guy) and then subsequent drop off the map (or TBS 10pm syndication). This was a clear cut just lucky to strike when they did situation as they caught FSU post Weinke, the ACC pre-VT, BC and Miami and had a temporary offensive genius running things.

"King of Queens"-North Carolina

Sometimes good things don't last as long as you wish they did. Whether its King of Queens truncated run or the winning ways of Dick Crum or Mack Brown. Hopefully Butch Davis will change this trend. Much like Carrie and Doug the Heels have seen some serious ups and downs (major downs like the Torbush/Bunting era). But just like Leah Remini saw during her fat phase the true Heels football fans are a loyal bunch that love them fat or skinny. For the record chunky Leah Remini; not as hot but her attitude was great and she was light on her feet for a growing lady. Heels basketball fans were like Becker watchers who also tuned into King of Queens "sometimes"; uninformed and honestly annoying to be around.

"Seinfeld"-Virginia Tech

Great consistency. A model for what a program should be. A self-made, low budget high returns outfit that makes a lot out of nothing; and Virginia Tech is pretty good too. Beamer is the Larry David of this group, the quiet voice behind the scenes orchestrating a masterpiece and being compensated very well to do it (thanks to his UNC pump fake). When Seinfeld's great ie the bet, opposites, world's collide, summer of George et cetera the show is amazing, but when its "bad" ie smog city strangler and the final episodes its still better than 95% of television and 100% of the forensics dramas or reality shows. The Hokies are the same, under Beamer when their great they are title great, when they're bad they still find a way into a respectable bowl game. They play football the right way and like the greatest sitcom of all time, their fans appreciate everything they get.

Coming soon Mike Felder does the ACC in something else. Email your suggestions to felder@cfb-campus.com and who knows your topic may show up here.

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

The ACC in Metaphors: Sitcoms Part 1

If you read college football blogs, websites or even the campus clicks at SI.com you've seen all "The (insert conference) as (insert beer/liquor/inanimate object). Well the ACC, oft neglected, has yet to get the love we so desperately have been craving since our mom's stop breast feeding us in high school.

With that said I'll be here to give you a dose of the ACC in metaphors. I'll get around to doing the beer, liquor articles once I doublecheck that I'm not ripping anyone off. If you know me, and I'm sure you do, you know originality is my middle name. That said our first installment will be something I'm well versed in - SITCOMS!

The ACC in Sitcoms:

"Frasier"-Boston College

The snooty up north private school outside of Boston is just like the Seattle based Frasier show. Too smart for you but for some reason it always does well. BC has had a couple ACC title game appearance, two top ten NFL draft picks in two seasons, a top 25 defense and I still have no clue how the Chestnut Hill school does it. The explanation escapes me, like one of Niles Crane's witty symphony referencing quips.

"Scrubs" (on ABC)-Clemson

Notice the "on ABC" portion of that because we here at FFM2M loved NBC's Scrubs and enjoy syndicated Scrubs...However, the ABC Scrubs has been a monumental let down. Same show my ass. Great cast, great characters, great writers but something isn't right. Oh yeah its a massive let down. Sound familiar? Yeah, it should because its a perfect description of Clemson and their inability to deliver with their great roster, NFL talent and successful tradition. Zing!

"Cheers"-Georgia Tech

A great show in its prime but completely forgotten about in the modern era. Could it make a comeback a la "Mama's Family" through early AM syndication? Possibly. The Jackets are the same way, they've got four national titles, a slew of historical players, coaches and epic games against storied programs. They were the southeasts #2 football school for decades and like "Cheers" unless you're in your mid-forties you have no recollection of either.

"Friends"-Florida State

Right place, right time situation. Friends burst on to the scene when sitcoms were dying in the mid-90's. Seinfeld and Cheers were quietly wrapping up and King of Queens was still a couple years from existing. Friends hit and hit hard, just ruling the sitcom world before anyone could get a foothold. In '91 Bobby Bowden won his first ACC title in his first ACC season, over a decade later he had won every title since then. Timing is a bitch, the ACC was down, the 'Noles had the best cast and no one wanted to go up against them on a regular basis. Still ok in syndication but not as good as the originals.

"Joey"-Duke

Oh no he didn't. Oh yes I did. Quite possibly the worst sitcom of all time for easily the worst football program in ACC history. Joey started out with a bang as a "Friends" spinoff. Then people realized wow, this show is garbage. Duke started out alright, rich kids from the North moving south for a good education and a little football. A Rose Bowl appearance plus the Spurrier era but then they fell to earth hard. If Joey maybe had better acting and a better script it might have survived just like if Duke had a better roster, better gameplan or a better facility they might win more.

"The Office"-Miami

In the grand scheme of college football the 'Canes are a new face on the block. But, just like The Office the Fighting Sebastian Ibis' are a smash hit in their short existence. A handful of Emmy's and a handful of titles equate to quick success and solid hardcore fans. Although the 'Canes have struggled in the last two seasons the fact is their newbies to college football and the massive success they've experienced make Michael Scott and co. seem like appropriate brethren.

Check back for episode to when we align UNC, VaTech, Maryland, Wake, Virginia and NC State.

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Great College Football Read

Folks just stumbled across a great read from Orson Swindle over at Every Day Should Be Saturday; one of the best college football blogs out there. Check the link out this is a solid piece of writing:

"This all comes back to your focal event as a fan, or the instant where you realized the game had some kind of parasitic, infectious grip on you that no amount of treatment would undo. The game's rigid fatality..."

The addiction that is college football, the passion and finality that come with being a college football fan. Orson crafts a masterpiece.

Plus any article that can squeeze the word simulacrum (look it up stupid) is quite alright with me.

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/06/10/the-dimensions-of-a-football-field-or-offseason-bloviating-on-limits-and-football/#more-10576

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

ACC Bottom To Top: Clemson

Hey folks I just realized the NC State post has done a disappearing act so I'll get that up soon. With that said we'll bang out a sweet original article about the Atlantic's next to last place team, the only team I personally hate, the only ACC team I've ever hoped lost to a FCS school and the school responsible for the worst BCS season demise in history:

The Clemson Tigers

Dabo's in and Tommy's out. The Tigers are starting to warm me up this year with their new mentality and as we all know Kevin Steele worked with Nick Saban; one of 3 current coaches than I worship every Saturday. Ergo Kevin Steele is perfectly acceptable as is Danny Perryman a tough SOB line coach. That said changing that baby soft culture is no small task we'll see how it goes; here's your Clemson Tiger run down.

Biggest Offseason Loss

Most folks scream James Davis or Michael Hamlin here; I don't. Screw those guys and check out Aaron Kelly. The Tigers only proven receiver commodity over the last few seasons and their all time receiving yardage leader. He was a big, physical receiver capable of going across the middle and making big catches in traffic.

Now I know you're thinking "What about Jacoby Ford?"

Well if you like 5'9" 180 lb midget wideouts be my guest. In the ACC with guys like Morgan Burnett roaming the back end the track star is going to get his brains beat in if he's Kyle Parker's primary target. Kelly will be missed worse than Adam Morrison misses playing at Gonzaga.

Best Returning Player

Two words. Number Seven. Two more words, Ricky Sapp. Two other words Torn ACL. The beast returns from his mid-season injury ready to reclaim and prove his standing as the ACC's premier pass rusher. He's a prototype player fully capable of making all the moves, his only drawback?

Effort.

With a partial season lost to injury and seeing his draft stock fall harder than an old lady in an ice storm I'm predicting that Sapp is ready to show the world he's the truth. He's the Tigers best player and as long as he's healthy look for him to post double digit sacks.

Breakout Player To Watch

Normally here you get some flash, I'm going to drop a name so far off your radar he's in outer space. The Tigers tackle Chris Hairston. His 11 total starts in 2 seasons mask the fact that he got heavy minutes in 22 games for the Tigers. The kid's a bonafide monster at 6'6" and 320 lbs watching out for Kyle Parker's blindside. Hairston has all the tangibles and with a good season he can not only be the anchor that the Tigers need at LT but he can boost his personal draft status. And really isn't that what its all about?

Three Crucial Games

Clemson @ GT, Clemson vs TCU, Clemson vs FSU

The Tigers have got some serious games including the Palmetto State Showdown and dates with Atlantic Division Rivals NC State, Wake and BC. However these three games are their most critical. In FSU you've got a potential Atlantic first place battle late in the season while the Tech game should be a battle of wills in Atlanta (hopefully better than last time the Tigers went to the ATL shawty).

TCU is about pride for the ACC as a whole and for the Tigers BCS bowl hopes. Depending on how things shake out a one or two loss Clemson team could sneak into the BCS with a win over one of the Mountain West's powerhouse teams. The Horned Frogs are a preseason Top 20 team entering 2009 and this would be a bear of a win in September.

Dream vs Nightmare Season

For the Tigers and Dabo, living the dream would mean going 10-2, losing to two out of the Miami, NC State, TCU, FSU, GT and Wake group. An ACC title for the first time in nearly two decades and instant legendary status for Dabo Swinney.

Flip that switch and let's checkout the Nightmare for the Tigers, going 6-6. Another underachieving season sees the assclowns of debauchery lose to their in-state rivals; a real Cockfest (one of my favorite sentences I've ever constructed). The sad part is would any of us be surprised if that's the effort we got out of perennially disappointing Clemson?

After all no one looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane the way the Tigers do.

Photo from http://i.a.cnn.net/si/2007/writers/cory_mccartney/05/04/shoes.to.fill/t1_sapp.jpg
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BC Does Its Best Florida State Circa '99 Impression

No they didn't walk off with hundreds of dollars worth of "hot gear" from Dillard's a la Peter Warrick.

No they didn't forge checks like Adrian McPherson.

BC did nab themselves a 25 year old though. And not the cool "oh I got me a 25 year old grad student last night" that you tell your boys freshman year.

The Eagles got him Weinke style, after a long, less than productive minor league stint they've added a baseball defeated David Shinskie to their fold. The 25 year old former Twins prospect signed on with the Chestnut Hill squad early this week.

http://atleagle.blogspot.com/2009/06/who-is-david-shinskie.html

With the dismissal of Dominique Davis the Eagles were hurting for an experienced qb on the roster. Well they got one, only his experience was on the diamond, slogging away in the world of long bus rides, $1 beer nights, Annie styled-minor league-cougar-lifer-groupies and strange mascots; not the ACC gridiron.

However minor league guys have fared well as college quarterbacks whether its Dennis Dickson playing both at once or Weinke going 6 seasons and then crossing over. Shinskie should get to campus by second session and get in the playbook quickly.

Personally I predict he'll be just fine as long as Spaziani won't ask him to do too much. With the freshmen sitting on the roster Shinskie seems to be the obvious choice to start, even after a 6 year hiatus.

PS-ACC Player You Oughta Know (two birds? Meet my one stone)

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The ACC Through Occam's Razor

My girlfriend and her roommate are on a quest to learn something new everyday and although they're operating on the NBC summer '96 principle ("If you haven't seen it, its new to you") I'm still some what inspired. Thus I've decided to take their idea and go all Emmitt Smiff on it, ya know I had did blowed it out. With that said I'm introducing our newest weekly feature "The ACC Through Occam's Razor!"

Say what? You don't know what Occam's Razor is? Well in the words of Kenny Powers "you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth."

'Pluralitas non est ponenda sine necessitas.'

Oh you don't speak Latin? That's ok no one does anymore. In English that's:

"Plurality should not be posited without necessity."

Still not following? Let me drop lay person terms on your dumb self. It means don't go all the way around your ass to get to your elbow. Keep it simple. The obvious answer is probably the best answer.

As this pertains to the ACC we'll break down things that seem complex into nuts and bolts that even a drooling, mouth breathing, slope browed troglodyte like yourself can understand.

This week I'm going to go Clemson on your ass and explain the art of shrinking away better than Rick Moranis (Honey I Shrunk The Kids Reference 1). The Tigers went from preseason killing machines to Pussy Cat Dolls in one night as Alabama loosened up their buttons and gave Tommy and team the first day of prison treatment.

While excuses have been made for their pathetic excuse for a season in keeping with our theme I'll show you the A to B, Occam's Razor reasoning behind it:

This is actually a two part answer. The concrete reasoning is their horrendously inexperienced offensive line. The guys were essentially all green going into 2008. We all overlooked this in favor of their shiny offensive toys Spiller, Kelly and Davis (I know I left Ford off, he's a midget and a track guy, doesn't belong anywhere near a football. If he's all they have this season they're in trouble).

Now while the line was horrendous here is the real reason for their demise: mentality.

Blame the play calling, the inexperience, the defense's passive scheme, the Swinney and Bowden rift, injuries and whatever else you want to trot out as an excuse but it all returns to mental make up.

Like a brown banana the Tigers were soft. They had the testicular fortitude of an eight year old asian girl. Perhaps even less, since those girls carry water for miles before breakfast. The Tigers were like a bunch of non-contact sport athletes. Sure you look great getting off the bus and your body's put together like Atlas.

One problem, when you get punched in your mouth you tuck your tail under your skirt and curl up in the fetal position. That was why they were, without a doubt, the biggest disappointment in the ACC last season.

Plain and simple, no tough analysis needed. Watch the Maryland game where they looked like world beaters until Maryland pushed back, the Tech game where nut-up time came and they showed they were playing with two undescended testicles.

There is hope for anyone who can still stomach the purple and scourge. That Boy is getting minds right in Pickens County. The Tigers will be tougher under the new staff. Guys like Danny Perryman, Kevin Steele and Dabo won't tolerate the half-assery that was the hallmark of Tommy Bowden's soft-spoken, no feather ruffling coaching tenure.

Check back later in the week when I diagnose another issue through Occam's Razor.

Simple is best.
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